Things I would love to say:

Inspired by the client sitting impatiently on the couch this morning. Well, inspired by several instances over the last few months, but this one may be the final straw:

• When I said she wasn't in yet, I meant it. Don't say "don't you want to check and see if she's in yet?", because I know she isn't and when she IS, I'll be sure you're the first to know.
• No, ma'am, I can't tell you anything about your child's meetings with his or her counselor. Your child is a university student and is protected under FERPA and ADA laws, which means that unless he or she has signed a release, I can't even confirm he or she is registered with our office. Don't yell at me, yell at the laws that are in place to protect your child's privacy.
• Do you see the policy sign that says "no same-day appointments or walk-ins"? It's there for a reason. The more you nag me about it, the less likely I am to want to work with you.
• I am not the information desk.
• No, we don't provide transportation for your son from car to class and back. We also don't have golf carts for such situations.
• We provide wheelchairs only for emergencies and not for weekends. Rent a wheelchair if you have long-term need. Honestly.
• We can't do anything about construction on city streets. If it's making you late, maybe you should leave your house earlier instead of complaining to me that the city is trying to improve traffic flow around campus.
• Please don't get upset when I tell you that I can't fix the elevators but will instead transfer you to the facilities manager who CAN...
• Just because "somebody told you" we do psychological or LD testing does not mean we actually do. Please don't take it out on me.
• Related to that, just because "your professor told you" that all you need to do is call us and we'll give you a letter telling them to do everything you want, does not mean we will ever do that. There's a process and a protocol to this, and unless you meet them, we can't (and won't) help you.
• College is not for some people. Your child may be one. Please don't push him or her into an environment that will be destructive and detrimental more than helpful. Just because you think everyone has to have a college education doesn't mean it's true. Some students are better off in a less intense and stressful environment. PLEASE take that into consideration before insisting that your child really needs to be here. The last things we need are more nervous breakdowns or suicide attempts.
• Look. I don't care who you are. I will treat all students equally and fairly REGARDLESS of what their last name is or what you happen to do for a living. Don't yell at me for not bowing and scraping--I'll never get paid enough to do that.
• Hey, kid. I saw you sneak past my desk and into the counselors' area. Doing that isn't going to help you, because she'll just tell you to make an appointment.
• We are not an adult daycare. We are not obliged nor responsible to provide "peer tutors" or "mentors" for your child. This is not junior high or high school and we don't have enough staff (nor is it within the parameters of our position on this campus) to escort your child to and from classes and your car just so he or she can get some social interaction. We are a university, and providing such things will undermine the academic integrity of this campus.
• I understand that you want the best for your child, but we can't make the professors teach easier subject matter just for him or her.
• Don't get snippy with me if you missed your appointment and expect to be able to just go in and talk to your counselor. You WILL have to reschedule, because you are NOT the only person your counselor helps. Schedules get full, so don't take it out on me.
• Don't lean over my desk.
• Don't rearrange the stuff on my desk.
• No, you can't come behind the desk.
• No, well-meaning-girl-from-student-government, the phrase "so if you're handicapped or know anyone who is..." is NOT helpful. We try to build a relationship of trust and respect, and that phrase is not conducive to either. Please let me explain what our department does. I'm here 9 hours a day--give me some credit.
• Yes, professor, I understand you're worried about your student, but as I am not a counselor nor am I free from the constraints of FERPA and ADA laws, I can not and will not tell you if your student is in our database. I always assume that no release form has been signed and will treat you accordingly.
• Our office hours are clearly posted. We do not make exceptions. This also means that there is no one here after 6 PM or over the weekend. Don't leave angry voicemails at these times.
• If I have gotten 8 MILLION calls from your department over the last few months, it will be a struggle for me to be pleasant when I have to answer the SAME TWO QUESTIONS EVERY SINGLE TIME.
• No, you can't use my scanner. Even if I had one, I wouldn't let you use it. Or my computer. There's a reason I have a screen protector and a password-protected screen saver, and it's so YOU can't see anyone's confidential information. Besides, these computers are set so only department employees can log on.
• Yes, it's getting colder outside. Yes, I work right next to the outside doors. Yes, it gets cold in here, thanks for asking. Yes, I meant it when I posted the sign that says "if you don't need to use the automatic doors, please don't use them." You look perfectly capable of pushing a handle instead of a button.

You may think I'm kidding, but I'm serious when I say that I have personally dealt with all of these incidents, and have had to say some of those things. Good times.