Kindness

Why is it that the people who most vehemently demand respect, consideration, tolerance, and freedom are the people who are the most unwilling to give others those same things? Why are kindness and courtesy in such limited supply? I can't be the only person in this world who feels this way. I do my best to be kind and patient and respectful of others but it often seems that my efforts are lost on those who belligerently insist that they be respected. I'm already doing that, and it would be nice to have some respect in return, even if it's only for a fellow-traveler on this journey through life. Those "share the road" ads are applicable in many ways here. We all go through doubt, pain, and fear; why do so many people feel the need to add to the doubt and pain and fear already around them? Words hurt. Physical wounds heal and scar over and you don't often feel the pain after healing. Emotional wounds, even under the thin disguise of jest, hurt for years. I believe that as fragile as our human bodies are, our souls are even more brittle. I wouldn't tolerate a physically abusive spouse, so how can I tolerate emotional abuse from others? Is it because I'm not as close to them? Is it because I've learned to give people more chances than they may deserve? Is it because I believe that kindness, religiously motivated or not, is a good quality that should be cultivated and cherished?

There are times and places for bluntness. There are even situations where rudeness is appropriate--if someone is breaking into your home, I don't think you should always invite them to have some cookies. But think of the times you've been wounded by someone's bluntness or rudeness. Remember that sting. Then look at what you've said today, to friends or strangers, and how that could affect them. Words have power that we take for granted. My dad used to recite this verse to us children when we said mean things to each other, and I wish I knew who wrote it:

Be careful of the words you say,
To make them kind and sweet.
You never know from day to day
Which words you'll have to eat.

I think there is a common misperception of the meanings of the words "nice" and "mean". My favorite definitions of the two:

nice:

• amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.
• characterized by, showing, or requiring great accuracy, precision, skill, tact, care, or delicacy: nice workmanship; a nice shot; a nice handling of a crisis.
• having or showing delicate, accurate perception: a nice sense of color.
• refined in manners, language, etc.: Nice people wouldn't do such things.

mean:

• offensive, selfish, or unaccommodating; nasty; malicious: a mean remark; He gets mean when he doesn't get his way.
• small-minded or ignoble: mean motives.
• low in status, rank, or dignity: mean servitors.
• troublesome or vicious; bad-tempered: a mean old horse.
  

("nice." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 13 Aug. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nice; "mean." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 13 Aug. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mean.)

Looking at and understanding the varied definitions of those two words, I realize that I want to be nice. I want to be tactful and careful and delicate. I want to be refined and pleasant. I don't want to be small-minded or vicious or selfish. I've been that, and I don't like that version of me. It made others uncomfortable or sad or even hurt, and I hate the knowledge that my words have (directly or indirectly) caused those feelings. I find that I'm much happier, genuinely happier, when I let people speak without refuting everything they say. I'm happier when I try to understand people by accommodating their viewpoints and life experiences. I am truly happier when I can tell I've helped ease someone's hard day.

There are people out there who think that "nice" is a dirty word that somehow doesn't have realistic application to this world. There are people out there who pride themselves on their logic. There are people out there who would rather be right than kind. There are people out there who abhor any discussion of something that can't be substantiated by a pie chart. Conversely, there are people out there who don't say anything if they can't say something nice. There are people out there who are humble but unwavering in the fight against discourtesy. There are people out there who would rather be wrong than mean. There are people out there who embrace the unquantifiable precisely because it can't be explained.

There are people out there who have hurt me badly, and there are people out there who have helped me heal by giving me a kind word. This life is hard enough without giving in to the urge to be selfish, petty, ignoble--mean. I'd rather make it easier, and I unquantifiably hope, in turn, that other people will help smooth over the rough spots on my path.