Ugh

You know how you can have a relatively good week that turns into something entirely different by Friday night? Welcome to my weekend.

A longer rant is forthcoming, but for now I feel unwanted, unappreciated, ungraceful, and generally left out of everything. It's like junior high all over again and I want to make it different but I worry that forcing something to change will only make me look desperate and silly.

In any case, I wonder what in the world I have to do for people to SEE me, especially in auditions lately. I wonder what I did that offended someone or whether I'm seen as good filler but nothing to be excited about. Filler is great, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of being the stuffing and not the fabric when I know I CAN be the fabric. I'm not getting any younger and I'm sick at the idea that people automatically write me off because of my biological age without taking into consideration how I look and what I can do. I fully remember how annoying it was to be in a management position at 21 and know that people didn't take me seriously because of my age...this feels like the same thing, but instead of being too young, I'm too old and I can't do much about that.

I'm trying very hard not to be discouraged. I'm trying very hard to take care of myself and focus on the positives. I'm trying very hard not to be angry at other people's choices. And you know what? It's VERY hard to do those things.