Unprovoked and Unspecific Ranting, Just Because it Feels Right Today

You know how there are women out there who are really really thin and tan and beautiful? And tall? Like models? Yeah. There are a couple of them in Amanda's ward, and I couldn't stop looking at them on Sunday. Seriously beautiful girls. REALLY thin. Like their biceps were probably not as big as my forearms. While I am glad that you can't count my vertebrae unless you are close enough to feel them, and that you really can't see my ribs, and that I have a womanly waist-to-hip ratio instead of that of an adolescent boy, I found myself alternately envying, pitying, hating, and admiring those girls. It really bothered me, both that I hated them and that I may have gotten a bit too complacent about my own shape.

I don't know ASL. In my current office, one of our counselors is deaf. She reads lips and can vocalize, but I still don't understand her all the time and it's hard. I feel like an idiot because I can't. My grandfather signed--he was the president of the Deaf Branch in Ogden for many years--and I regret never learning from him before he died. I would have taken a class over the summer, but it doesn't work with my Tuesday schedule, so (if I'm still here) I'll register for a class this fall. I'm picking up signs here and there, but I still feel really stupid sometimes.

I've gained weight. I've avoided talking about this because it's not really fair that the "thin girl" complains, and I haven't gained a lot, just enough for me to not be able to wear some of my clothes comfortably. I also am no longer the size I've been since 2001 when I finally lost the weight I gained having a desk job for a year. When you've been the same size for so long, being unable to wear your favorite lace skirt is very annoying. I don't overeat (despite my rabid sweet tooth) and I try to be active, but it's hard to find something I like that doesn't discourage me after three weeks.

Speaking of health issues, I'm 33. I need a bone density scan, a cholesterol screening, two moles removed (not urgent...yet), a sun damage screening, a visit to a podiatrist to check out some weird scar tissue from the time I stepped on a sliver of glass that Bethani had to pull out of my foot because I couldn't see it, not to mention new glasses and new fake teeth. I know I'm not THAT old, but I can feel bone loss staring me in the face. I've already had one scary mole removed and I anticipate there will be more, so I'm religious about wearing SPF 45 every day and using an AHA at night to combat whatever sun damage there is. Thinking about these things makes me cranky.

I have pretty dark red flats. They are shiny and have a wingtip detail, and velvet bows on the toes. But they give me blisters and I need to doctor them so I can actually wear them, and that annoys me.

My hair is past my waist. I love it, but it's too long to really do anything with. I mean, I can do fun braids and twists and that, but it mostly just hangs there. I'm ready for it to be gone...and I won't cut it until I know if I get cast in the film project I'm auditioning for in a couple of weeks. If they want really long hair, I'll keep it for a while longer. I have weird negative associations with the length because stupid Ex Man didn't like it as long as it was.

Speaking of Ex Man, I'm thoroughly annoyed that I still react so negatively when people mention him or when I see someone who looks like him. When does that end? When do I get to be indifferent? When does the wound heal? When does the scar tissue stop aching? I hate this.

I need a new bed, but I don't know what size to get. A twin fits oh-so-nicely in my room, but I sleep better on a double. This causes me stress, and when I'm under stress, my ability to make good decisions just flies right out the window. Good times.

Things I want to say to Little Miss Unfriendly: Whoever told you to completely line your eyes with dark eyeliner to make them look bigger was wrong. Cut your hair or condition it, but don't go around like your hair is so hot when it looks overdone and like straw. Black shoes with brown skirts are ok, but NOT brown boots with black skirts--common sense is more valuable than "What Not to Wear". Don't stare at me or look through me when I smile at you on campus. You've seen me before. Don't pretend I'm not there. But know that if I DO discover that you're related to or friends with someone I know and love, and we end up at a party or someone's house together, I will act as if you've never been unfriendly or rude to me, and you'll be the one who is embarrassed. Not me.

I have three loads of laundry to do (wah, I know) and about 10 hours of extra sleep to get before I'm completely caught up and fully functional. I am so tired that I can't leave my eyebrows alone, and that's always a very bad sign.

Well. I feel better now.