"You're great, but..."

This post is a long time coming, something I've been thinking about for a while, triggered partly by my last audition and partly by years and years of being "such a good friend". This post is to list things I can't (or won't, in some cases) change about myself just so I can be more dateable/castable/hireable. This post is to remind myself that I am worth it, despite the shallowness with which I seem surrounded sometimes. This post is to remind myself to give people a chance when I normally wouldn't.

Thus it begins.

Over the last couple of years, I've realized that The List I made at 17 is mostly irrelevant. The things that mattered to me then don't matter as much--I've grown up and figured out that a certain shoulder width doesn't make a man better, it just makes him wider. Back in December at dinner with some castmates, we played a question game. One of the questions we all had to answer was "what are the top 5 things you look for in a potential spouse". I thought hard about it, because so much had changed, and my answers were these (edited 6/28 to be better, as per Tiffany's suggestion): 1. someone who honors his Priesthood (and doesn't that cover nearly all the bases, including "hard worker"?), 2. someone with a good sense of humor, 3. someone who is talented in some way, 4. someone who is as smart as or smarter than me (that makes reading kind of a given), and 5. someone who is not Ex Man. 5 was kind of a sarcastic throwaway, because Ex Man has qualities I still look for, but he was also critical and mean and shallow in many ways, so I amended 5 to be "someone who is not critical or cruel".

As we went around the table, some of the other answers surprised me, some of them dismayed me, and some of them made me almost want to change mine. I'm not totally dismissing physical attractiveness, but I've discovered that I'm physically attracted to a wide range of "types", and I don't have such strict requirements as some people I know. Eyes? I'm a sucker for blue eyes, but it doesn't really matter. Hands? Bigger than mine. How simple is that? Height? Taller than me and not intimidated when I'm wearing heels. Work? As long as he has a good steady job and works hard, I don't really care. I've matured enough to know that life isn't how you planned it and that you never know who you'll find--if someone embodies the qualities I listed, he's definitely worth a shot and I will try not to dismiss anyone because he doesn't have nice biceps.

So, understandably, I get a little annoyed when I get the feeling that a man is appraising me and thinking "she's smart/nice/funny/pretty, but..." Yes, it happens, and yes, I've been guilty of the same thing ("he's cute, but kind of stupid"), but golly. Can't a girl catch a break once in a while? This leads to the following list of things, as mentioned in the introduction, that I can't or won't change about myself:

Dude. I have freckles. Get over it. I won't bleach my skin just to make you feel more comfortable about dating a genetic mutation.

Freckles also mean I have pale skin. This will not change. First, I'd look weird with a tan; second, I know my odds of getting skin cancer all too well (having a scary mole removed will really cement things). I'm not going to get a tan and increase those odds.

I probably won't dye my hair as I get older and the silver hairs become more prevalent. I love my hair color and I am actually curious about what I'll look like as I get older. Copper supplements supposedly keep hair from going gray, and I might give that a shot, but do you really want to pay all that money every 6 weeks? I didn't think so.

I can't get shorter. I can appear taller by wearing heels, but I can't get any shorter, and I refuse to slouch. If you want to date someone shorter, don't date me. :)

I'm pretty smart. I make a concerted effort to not be critical of others who aren't as smart as me and I really try not to show off; I also am humble enough to admit it when I'm wrong, which is more often than you'd think. If my IQ bothers you, I'm truly sorry, but I won't play dumb just to help you be less intimidated. I'm not that kind of woman, and I can't stand those who are.

I'm in my 30s. I'm not going to dress like a 20-year-old. I try to remain current to a point, but there are some trends I'm just not even going to touch. I am also notoriously picky about my clothes, so shopping at the cutesy trendy stores is largely a no for me.

I have bad eyesight, and when my eyes are tired or itchy, I wear glasses instead of contacts. I try to choose frames that are flattering, but it would be very unsafe to go without them just because I'm "prettier" that way.

Sometimes I don't wear makeup at all (see above). I usually do a basic powder-eyeliner-mascara combination, but there will be times I either don't care or don't have the energy to do even that. If we're going out, I will make an effort, but if I'm cleaning at home, the mascara just isn't that important to me. It's unfortunate if that annoys you, but please don't tell me how to wear my makeup--that's just too controlling for my taste.

After years in retail, I much prefer comfortable shoes over glamorous shoes. I'd rather have an arch support and enough room for my toes than the latest shiny flats. You are more likely to see me in my Bass flats or my Danskos than anything else, because they make my feet happy. Happy feet = happy me. I love heels, but I won't wear them every day. Be assured, however, that I know how to dress for any occasion and will lay on the glam when appropriate. This is why I have useless clothes and shoes. :)

Speaking of physiological things, I have small breasts. I said it. I like them. They don't get in the way, it's not impossible to buy clothes that fit right, and they suit my frame. I absolutely REFUSE to get implants just to conform to some weird standard of beauty based almost entirely in fantasy. If that's the only thing you have to complain about, deal with it. The only time I ever want to go through that kind of invasive surgery is if I have to have a mastectomy and go the reconstructive route.

Even if I do lose the little bit of extra weight I've gained from my sedentary jobs over the last five years, I'll never be a size 6. If you want a really skinny girl who doesn't eat, date one. Don't date me. While I do have some food issues, I'm a pretty healthy eater and being less than 135 pounds is something I do not aspire to. I'll keep in shape, but I never want to walk that eating disorder line again. Please don't expect it of me.

There are some things that just aren't worth the time we spend on them. If you want a wife who can sew, cook, clean, paint, read; who loves the gospel and her family; who is a little nuts sometimes; who loves to laugh and learn and play; has substance; is tough when she needs to be and not ashamed to cry; who has her own tools and can change a spark plug if needed, give me a call. If you want a wife who is nothing more than a pretty accessory, don't even bother.

The funny thing is...

As much as we (and our political leaders) would like to believe that walking, biking, scootering, etc are going to help with high gas prices, it's not strictly true when you think about it. Sure, you'll be saving money by not having to put gas in your car as much, but where I live, it's nearly impossible to get any further than the library by bike--it's not a very bike-friendly town, you see. Also, I am kind of a pansy. We would like to believe these things, but we fail to take into account the vast dependence on petroleum byproducts, and I'm not just talking Vaseline Intensive care.

Here is a partial list pulled directly from my brain of things I use on a more or less daily basis that are petroleum byproducts:

• Polyester fiber--just looking around right now, I see two lampshades, a bedspread, curtains, three blankets, a tablecloth, "silk" flowers, fabric panels in my folding screen, a pink pompom, my slippers, and the majority of my messenger bag that have polyester in them. This is not to mention the shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, sweaters, underwear, and shoes that have some kind of polyester in them, and let us not forget the polyester fiberfill in my pillows and stuffed animals, which brings us to
  
• Nylon. I have at least two dozen pairs of pantyhose/tights/fishnets, forget about the socks. I have 5 nylon slips, various linings in various items of clothing, and a few bags.
• Lycra/spandex/silicone/rubber. You'd think it was made from real rubber, but real rubber is hard to find and mostly from endangered forest areas of the world. The substitute? Elastic manufactured from petroleum byproducts. Bras, workout clothes, my memory foam pillow, all the elastic in various waist/arm/neckbands, elastic cord in some of my jewelry, the elastic around my expandable file, the rubber in my hair ties and on the bottoms of my ceramic pots...
• Plastic. How much plastic am I looking at? My phone, my water bottles, the non-fabric part of my lampshade, my Chapstick, my desk organizers, computer monitor, keyboard, mouse, pens, folders, boxes, CDs, computer tower, plugs, fan, watering can, spiral binding on books, night light, various bottles, stereo, clock radio, garbage can liners, glasses case, GLASSES (polyurethane lenses? yup), push pins, drawers, hangers, curtain rod, little rings on the curtain tiebacks, tape dispenser, contacts, protractor, rulers, book covers, CD cases, outlet covers, speakers, surge protector, even the tips of my hair pins are covered in some kind of silicone or plastic. This does not include what's in the bathroom or the rest of the house--jars, spoons, plates, cups, bowls, Tupperware...

I'm overwhelmed, how about you? Thinking of all the things we use on a daily basis that are petroleum byproducts is startling, really. Should we insist on a pre-Industrial Revolution society? That will never happen. We're addicted to convenience and the thought of going back to a time where you'd raise, shear, wash, spin, and weave your own fabric is, quite honestly, repugnant to me. So, to all those people who think the simple solution is to stop driving big cars and conserve fuel, that's just the tip of the big plastic iceberg, but it's certainly a start.

Ugh

You know how you can have a relatively good week that turns into something entirely different by Friday night? Welcome to my weekend.

A longer rant is forthcoming, but for now I feel unwanted, unappreciated, ungraceful, and generally left out of everything. It's like junior high all over again and I want to make it different but I worry that forcing something to change will only make me look desperate and silly.

In any case, I wonder what in the world I have to do for people to SEE me, especially in auditions lately. I wonder what I did that offended someone or whether I'm seen as good filler but nothing to be excited about. Filler is great, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of being the stuffing and not the fabric when I know I CAN be the fabric. I'm not getting any younger and I'm sick at the idea that people automatically write me off because of my biological age without taking into consideration how I look and what I can do. I fully remember how annoying it was to be in a management position at 21 and know that people didn't take me seriously because of my age...this feels like the same thing, but instead of being too young, I'm too old and I can't do much about that.

I'm trying very hard not to be discouraged. I'm trying very hard to take care of myself and focus on the positives. I'm trying very hard not to be angry at other people's choices. And you know what? It's VERY hard to do those things.

Work

It's really annoying when you truly like a job for the first four months, and then you suddenly realize that you are beginning to resent aspects of it.

I know I don't want to be here for the rest of my life, but can I please just like it enough to stick it out for at least the next six and a half months? I have great benefits! I have paid time off! I'm salaried!

*sigh*

Post-script:

I just realized that this does not include the bridal books I've read, and I know I've left off something about Asian and Native American clothing.

I really DO know more than you

How to begin? Abruptly, apparently.

I know a lot about clothes--the psychology, the sociology, the history, the construction. I know more than just about anyone I know, and that's being honest and not arrogant. I've never taken a class in costuming or clothing history but I seem to have a profound affinity for the subject. I can retain information about clothing like nobody's business (example: I know that the metal eyelet wasn't used on corsets until 1828), I can reason out a history of suspenders based on what I've read, and I can tell you all about calf-padding and bust improvers. At one time in my life, I had to shut up about clothing around Usurper because she insisted to the point of ridiculousness that she was right about everything and I didn't have the energy to argue with her. I don't know everything and I really need to get back into research-mode, but here is just a partial list, from memory with the help of Amazon, of books (good and bad) I've read or am familiar with:

The Encyclopedia of World Costume
The Corset: A Cultural History
In a Glamorous Fashion: The Golden Years of Hollywood Costume Design
Screen Style: Fashion and Femininity in 1930s Hollywood
Hollywood and History
The Language of Clothes
The Social Psychology of Clothing
What Clothes Reveal: The Language of Clothing in Colonial and Federal America
Women's Wardrobe (Chic Simple)
Men's Wardrobe (Chic Simple)
Chic Simple Dress Smart for Women: Wardrobes That Win in the Workplace
Dress For Success
Color Me Beautiful
Chic Simple What Should I Wear?: Dressing For Occasions
Work Clothes (Chic Simple): Casual Dress for Serious Work
Chic Simple Dress Smart Men: Wardrobes That Win in the New Workplace
Dressing the Man: Mastering the Art of Permanent Fashion
Sex and Suits: The Evolution of Modern Dress
How to be a Gentleman
How to be a Lady
Wardrobe Strategies for Women (12 volumes)
The Dress Doctor
The Universe of Fashion (not all of them, but several in the series)
Edith Head's Hollywood
Chromophobia
European Costume: 4000 Years of Fashion
Haute Couture
Costume of the Western World
20000 Years of Fashion
Fashions of a Decade (probably all of them)
The Art of Haute Couture
Historical Fashion in Detail
19th Century Fashion in Detail
Fashion in Detail: From the 17th and 18th Centuries
Costume in Detail: 1730-1930
High Fashion Sewing Secrets From the World's Best Designers
100 Years of Fashion Illustration
Style is Not a Size
50 Years of Fashion: New Look to Now
The Fashion Book
Chanel (Metropolitan Museum of Art Publications)
Couture Sewing Techniques
Fitting and Pattern Alteration (I helped with the second edition of this)
The Complete History of Costume and Fashion: From Ancient Egypt to the Present Day
Costume and Fashion: A Concise History
History of 20th Century Fashion
Fashion, the Mirror of History
The History of Underclothes
I Do: 100 Years of Wedding Fashion
Survey of Historic Costume: A History of Western Dress
Patterns of Fashion I and II
The Concise History of Costume and Fashion
Victorian and Edwardian Fashion from "La Mode Illustree"
Fashion and its Social Agendas: Class, Gender, and Identity in Clothing
Fashion Through the Ages
History of Men's Costume
Victorian and Edwardian Fashion: A Photographic Survey
English Women's Clothing in the Nineteenth Century: A Comprehensive Guide with 1117 Illustrations
Vanity Rules: History of American Fashion and Beauty
As Seen in Vogue: A Century of American Fashion in Advertising
Advertising to the American Woman
After a Fashion: How to Reproduce, Restore, and Wear Vintage Styles
The Costume Timeline: 5000 Years of Fashion History
Racinet's The Complete Costume History
Art and Fashion: The Impact of Art on Fashion and Fashion on Art
Fashion (A Crash Course)
Mirror, Mirror: A Social History of Fashion
The Medieval World
The Fine Art of Fashion: An Illustrated History
History of Fashion: A Visual Survey of Costume From Ancient Times
The Button Book
Shoes: A Celebration of Pumps, Sandals, Slippers and More
Handbags: The Power of the Purse
Hats
The Language of Fashion
The Visual History of Costume
The End of Fashion: How Marketing Changed the Clothing Business Forever
The Evolution of Fashion: Pattern and Cut From 1066 to 1930
Everyday Fashions. . . As Pictured in Sears and Other Catalogs (series)
Fashion in Costume 1200 to 1980
History of Costume and Fashion
Fashioning the Bourgeoisie
What Jane Austen Ate and Charles Dickens Knew
The Fashion Sourcebooks Series by John Peacock
The Culture of Clothing: Dress and Fashion in the Ancien Regime
The Culture of Fashion: A New History of Fashionable Dress
Art Deco Fashion
Dress Code: The Hidden Meaning of Women's Clothes
The Red Dress
Chronicle of Western Fashion
Encyclopedia of Clothing and Fashion (3 volumes I wish I had)
The Century of Hats: Headturning Styles of the Twentieth Century
Corsets and Crinolines
Inventing Beauty: A History of the Innovations That Have Made Us Beautiful
Fabulous Fit
The History of Hair: Fashion and Fantasy Down the Ages
Looking Good: A Comprehensive Guide to Wardrobe Planning, Color & Personal Style Development
Inside Out: A Brief History of Underwear
World Textiles: A Concise History

Quite honestly, I don't think this is all I've read, and I've read approximately 95% of this list. I'd have to look at the bibliographies of the papers I've written about clothing to get a more comprehensive list. I know I've read more but I can't remember titles right now.

Now, after going over that, do I really need to PROVE I know what I'm talking about? I started reading about clothes when I was 12, I went through an intense image management training when I was 27 (and had already read more on the subject that anyone else in my class), my senior thesis was all about the last 200 years of women's clothing and how our messed-up views of that have affected our current unrealistic physical ideal. . . and people still don't believe I know my stuff. Do I have to get a PhD to prove it? On the other hand, I don't think I have to prove anything. I know what I know and that's all there is to it. I'm perfectly willing to admit when I'm wrong, but so far very few people have "outsmarted" me when it comes to clothes.

It's annoying.

And oh yeah...

The crack on my windshield grew by 14 inches during work yesterday. I figured it would need replacing sooner or later, but I'm annoyed that it cracked nowhere NEAR the chips that have been there for almost two years. Go figure.