Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Vicious Cycles

Well. Here I am, after a pretty darn good day, feeling ranty again. Some of this was triggered by someone (hi Mom! I love you!) moving the relatively organized piles o' fabric and patterns off the cutting board so she could use it. Really, I'm ok with the moving of things. I really am. It's the idea that it had to be moved that really gets to me. I try to be organized, and I try to be motivated, and I go to Ikea in search of the perfect storage unit for miscellaneous craft/sewing supplies, and I look at other people's sewing areas, and I get all kinds of great ideas, and just when I reach the perfect combination of mental, emotional, and physical readiness, it all flies out the window when I realize that all my patterns are now a size too small (stupid weight gain) and in order to actually sew anything I'd have to alter nearly every pattern I own. So I get depressed about that, don't feel like sewing because of the extra work (I hate altering things), and things sit in the sewing room, lonely and bored, until someone who actually has motivation moves them in order to start a project she'll actually complete. This person is very rarely me. There is, in fact, a 14-year-old cross stitch (probably eternally) attached to a fancy embroidery floor stand and frame that my parents got me for my birthday over 10 years ago or something. It's pretty, but I'm bored with it, but I'm too stupid stubborn to give it away and cleanse my life of its dust. Its style is kind of not my thing anymore, either, considering I bought it shortly before my wisdom teeth were extracted in 1994. 1994!

I will only briefly mention other unfinished projects that wouldn't take much effort to actually complete but that thinking about depresses me:
The ribbon embroidery pillows for my sisters
The miniature quilt I started when I was 17
The throw quilt I still need to piece
The dollhouse furniture kits that need to be assembled
The DOLLHOUSE (hi--20 years ago? Can you please not use those colors on the inside? kthnx)
The sun/moon needlepoint
Good heavens, the crocheting
The unpicked dress that needs to be made into something better
The small but significant pile of mending, including my Isaac Mizrahi linen pants that I love

It is, quite honestly, getting ridiculous. If my stupid neck hadn't rebelled and pinched a nerve that left me with limited mobility and pain tolerance last week, this would not even be an issue. All my plans for reorganizing and culling were shot right to pieces by that, and two of my three days off were pretty much useless, not to mention how I was stupidly (and kind of randomly) depressed most of the 4th. Depressed about a person I never want to see again, no less! Go my brain! Go brain, go! Rah rah rah!

Anyway. I want a clean sewing room. I want to lose 15 pounds and get my waist back. (Yes, I know I'm not fat and therefore not allowed to complain, but give me a break and let me be annoyed that I can't use any of the patterns I currently own without wanting to stab my eye with my scissors because I hate altering so much.) I want to have cute clothes the motivation to actually wear them. I want to be DONE with the stupid insecurities leftover from my time with Ex Man (and even SAYING that makes me want to punch myself, because it's SO stupid that they're still there and I hate it). I want to stop buying pretty fabric that I'm afraid to sew because I might hate the dress made out of it. I want to stop being intimidated by other seamstresses/sewists/seamstrixes/whatever who are more creative/technically better/smarter than me. I want to stop being afraid to wear something a little "off" just because not everyone would appreciate it. I want to know what in the world happened to the creative person with a great eye for color and line!

Good thing tomorrow is project night and the WalMart has good prices on plastic bins.